#12: Things You Want To Say To Your Ex-Lover

January 5, 2014 § Leave a comment

To my dear ex-lover,

If you’re reading this, this is for you. This is a long overdue post and finally, I have the time and mood to sit down and type this out.

If I were to be totally honest, I’d like to say thank you for leaving me before I’ve fallen for you. I was mad and hurt when you left, but that didn’t last long, not because there were other people who came along, but because I have accepted the fact that I’ve always knew deep down that we’d have never worked, and I have the tendency of fighting for something which I knew would be doomed since the very beginning- this probably ties back to my daddy issues but that’s a topic for another day. I mean, how could we have worked when we are 2 very different individuals who wants different things, and most importantly, you’re cheating on your girlfriend with me.

Anyway, if not for you, I’d not have realised that I actually deserve so much more than you could offer, that you open up my eyes to a sea of potentials men, whom of each is actually better than you are (besides your ex friend, of course) in almost every aspect of what a man could be. Or, at least, kinder than you are- because, they did not choose to enter my life when they are already in a relationship.

The one who did have the tendency to tell me before anything happened. And I adore him for that, because that’s how I know the difference between a kind person and a selfish person.

And, that’s when the reoccurring thoughts of telling your girlfriend about us died off.

Thanks to you, I’ve had sexual awakening from other men, I’ve opened up myself to more new things and people, I’ve became less pessimistic, I’ve became tougher, I knew what I want, and I no longer want you, and most importantly, I no longer have to battle with my own demons, wondering what did I ever do wrong, or how I could have made things better.

I’ve never told you this- but when I told you I wanted to sleep with you again, it was not because that I wanted to get over you etc, but because I wanted to prove a point, and it’s been proven, and that gives me a closure- that you did the right thing by leaving, and I did the right thing by not sleeping with you anymore.

I felt truly liberated at that point of time- even though it required lies and desperations from my end, but I needed that closure for myself. I knew that I already have moved on, and I’ll never allow myself to be in the same situation ever again.

Don’t get me wrong, I have never regretted anything about us. It was just a lesson well-learnt. So, thank you for entering my life. We’ve had good memories which I’ll carry with me. I wish you well and I truly hope that your soul will be salvaged, and your current girlfriend will never find out. Because, when I saw the photos of you two popping up, I feel relieved that it wasn’t us and the fact that I never did tell her. At the same time, I feel sorry that she’ll never know this side of you, and for her sake, I hope she never will.

Because, you don’t destroy the people that you love.

All the best.


What We Really Get When We Hold Onto The Things We’ve Lost

December 1, 2013 § Leave a comment

I have a religion and it’s called being a good person

December 1, 2013 § Leave a comment

In 1994, Bjork was interviewed for an article titled “Bjork on the Wild Side” When asked who she prays to, she replied:

“I’ve got my own religion… Iceland sets a world-record… When we were asked what we believe, 90% said, ‘ourselves.’ I think I’m in that group. If I get into trouble, there’s no God or Allah to sort me out. I have to do it myself.”

That’s the only idea of religion I can identify with.

I believe in god but it is a god in me, not a figure that is omnipotent or slapping me with hell-bound postage when I take what I need when I need it. My only rules are to never lie, cheat, hurt someone intentionally or steal. I am aware of the potential struggle in everyone. I watch others in an attempt to take what I can learn, duly trying to refrain from judgment. I observe, but hardly object. I am nice to the waiter, smile at the auntie who collects the trays in the hawker centres, and give my best effort when I am asked for help.

One thing I’m trying to learn is to empathise less- you can never carry someone’s burden just as someone cannot carry yours.

If you should struggle, look inward and adjust your beliefs to what rings true for you. Allow your curiosities to become your prerogative and indulge them when you are so inclined, as long as it does not harm someone else. Choose your company wisely, and if you should steal, steal away from those that do not support your highest idea of yourself. When something no longer serves you, let go.

Most importantly, know you don’t need anyone to save you.

When I can’t sleep, I dream.

November 28, 2013 § Leave a comment

I want you. I want your sleepy confused look when you wake up. I want to be the warmth that fills the space in your bed. I want to be the sheets your fingers crave at night; the blanket that wraps around you all night. I want to drink wine with you, share some records we find. I want to talk about everything in the world newspapers. I want to discuss with you, to be stubborn and quick-witted with you. I want to have differences between us. I want your flaws. All of them. I want go into the deepest corners of your mind and never get bored of you. I want to be surprised by the new all the time. I want to look at you like a movie, a living piece of art; always trying to chase what you crave … and capture you.

Meet me offline

November 28, 2013 § Leave a comment

Because a 160 x 160 thumbnail isn’t enough you. I want you in the highest resolution, without filter. Who was foolish enough to think they could squeeze everything noteworthy about you into an avatar? You’re too lovely for pixels.

Put up an away message and let’s go away, somewhere we can power down and still feel electric, somewhere that doesn’t need password protecting. Let’s lose ourselves and find ourselves in a place with no GPS, no Google results, no Foursquare check-ins.

Tonight, I want to push all of your buttons except the one that says Like. I want to have a conversation with you without the 140 characters restriction, I want to eat too slowly and listen to you reviewing your main course, and not reading it on the Hungry Go Where website. I want to argue over your music taste without having already heard about them on your Spotify playlist. I want to look at you and feel like home and not the Home on my screen. Maybe then I’ll undo a couple of your buttons or my buttons and how’s that for a notification? I want to be the one to alert you.

Sign off and log out and shut down so we can meet up and go out and get high on fingers touching fingers and tongues pressing tongues instead of fingers pressing buttons. What I want to give to you is too large to attach, what I want to give to you can’t be uploaded or emailed or shared. Meet me so that we can remember how to connect without LinkedIn.

I want to touch you, not Poke you; I want to like you, not Like you; I want to ask you ‘What’s up?’, not WhatsApp you. I want to live in a place void of emoticons, scare quotes, of capitalized letters and auto-correct. I want to live in a place where the space between your back exists, where it’s wire-less and not wireless, a place where I can like you in lowercase.


Even the stars are a mess

November 24, 2013 § Leave a comment

Sleeping next to someone, not with someone, is perhaps the most intimate you will ever be with another human.

In sleep, we are completely defenceless. We are soft and supple and childlike.

Our hard exteriors falls away.

“You look so cute when you’re asleep”, you mumbled in my ears.

I smiled and thought the same about you when I woke up next to your face in the morning.

The way you sleep, with your face softened and your arms wrapped around me, is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I am not an artist, but I may become one just so that I can capture that moment.

I would really love to write about you, believe me. Your eyes, your smile, your kisses, your smell, your kindness, your physique, your vulnerability, your flaws.

But, you’re too precious to be shared with the world. And I’d very much like you to stay long enough for me to feel safe to share you with the world.


November 24, 2013 § Leave a comment

It’s been a while since my last blog post.

Close to one and a half month, exactly.

Many things have happened during this period of time. So much so that I haven’t had the time to sit down, sort out my roller-coaster of emotions, gather my thoughts and string them into sentences.

So much so that my heart has yet to take a breather.

So much so that everything felt so surreal.

One of these days, I shall lock myself in my room with a bottle of wine and start writing again.

Till then, I’ll share this little gem I found:

If you knew me, you’ll know that I’ve always loved words and sombre, mellow music. Listening to quiet music, even music that other people find quite melancholy, is what soothes me. It hushes me down and actually makes me feel better

However, I’ve stopped listening to mellow music for quite a while now. Instead, I’ve taken an interest in trance music- lost in the beauty of music without words.

Tonight is a rare exception.

my heart is not a machine / it beats for you and all the others that I love / my heart is not anything / that you haven’t seen before / did I think I was a king somehow? / alone is a song / where the lonely belong / my heart is not a machine / it beats alone in all the darkness of the night / my heart is all I have / and I pledge it all to you  / did I think I was a king somehow? / alone is the song / where the lonely belong / it seems louder than before / everything that’s set in stone / it seems louder than the fire / i poured down my neck just to kill desire / just to kill desire / my heart is not a machine / it beats in time with all the others that I love